i have absolutely no where else to rant privately but here
i did all the things everyone always told me i could never do. i did all the amazing things i pushed myself to achieve. i had lots of people to help push out the negative. i had lots of people encourage me on and help me through the bad things in my life
i’ve had so many “best friends” in my life. one of them started out as a friends with benefits relationship (nothing physical, it was emotional) but we moved past that and he became someone i felt like i could spill all my emotions to. someone i could ask for opinions on things. someone i trusted a few of my darkest secrets with.
i don’t tell very many people about my darkest secret of all but i might as well open up about it.
i don’t usually tell people about “him” but the people that do know, know my immense fear of him.
when i had just turned 16, a boy used me to his own advantages without me being comfortable with him. i’m not 100% of a miscarriage but i had symptoms of it.
i wouldn’t label it as traumatic but it was definitely something that impacted me hard and will always come back to scare me. i will always have trust issues with people. even people i have know for forever.
it seems i am in a cycle of nothing but nonstop attack.
the fwb i mentioned earlier asked me why i treat people the way i do.
i used to not be this way. i used to hardly every be mean to people. i would cry at the drop of a pen. but like i said, people took advantage of that. badly. i was badly used by people, not just boys, but classmates, family, friends, and strangers.
so i taught myself to be aggressive. i taught myself to attack others when i felt threatened. i taught myself to be demeaning towards others to scare them off and to push them away. i taught myself to build walls to not allow anyone inside to get to me like everyone else did.
my family did not view it like this. they always have seen me as “mean”, when on a personal level, i really wasn’t. i recognize that now. i used to be quiet in class and stuff. but i gave up. i gave up being so nice to everyone. i gave up doing things for others. i gave up on best friends, since no one really seemed to stick around anyways.
it seems lately karma is catching up with me. and i kind of don’t care about it, since i’ve been trying to change my ways for months.
it’s much easier to teach yourself to blow up rather than to quiet down again.
i’ve been verbally attacked a lot her recently by past friends/exes/strangers, some of them are reasons for what i’ve caused, others out of the blue.
i’m giving up on a social life to be honest with you. there’s no benefits of it.
